You Know What's Bullshit? - Fanmade Episodes
by AlexTheFictioneer
Summary: Several episodes made in style of the "You Know What's Bullshit?" web show hosted by James Rolfe (a.k.a. Angry Video Game Nerd).


**You Know What's Bullshit?**

Fanmade Episode Series

* * *

 _Fan Episode 1:_

 _ **Modern Day Politics**_

You Know What's BUUUUUUULSHIT?

I've talked about some annoying things of everyday life. But I think the time is right to crank up the bullshit dial and speak about something much bigger. Something which encompasses the entire world. And the subject is... the politics of the modern world.

In prehistoric times, each human tribe were living under the leadership of one single man which they chose by voting. And there was no definition of state back then, mind ya. When the human race began to form individualistic and unique civilizations, that's when the first states began to rise. The leaders of these collossal formations have no other choice than to control a large numbers of people in them. And this is where the BUUUUULLLLSHIT begins: states began to form economical, ethical and diarrheatical relationships with each other, and this is how the outer politics work to this day. Also, each state has to solve various forms of fuckery inside its own borders - this is the inner politics. If several countries have some disagreements between them, then it's time for a war which will cause many deaths and casualties among the people. The international interests become full of crap, and that's where some states were, are and will be fucking with each other.

I do have to say that America is always obsessed with world domination, and for me, it's surely as Hell is not a good thing whatsoever. This situation will always raise troublesome questions. What's the point of anal occupation of the countries of the third world? Why we invade Middle East and try to get our hands on the local oil if we still have enough of it on our own? And, most importantly, why in the ever loving crap of bull-fuck do we conflicting with other countries over some insignificant and not-so-worthy bullshit? Aren't we have enough resources of any kind which are located on our own territory or something? Aren't we have a stable economy which will only collapse because of this? Are we only trying to provoke Afghanistan, Pakistan or some other Dumbfuckistan to the point of military action?

Well, I'll tell you: We do this because of all these stupid international interests and our much more stupid political course. I am no goverment official, but the time is right to say something about all of this.

And I will admit: that's bullshit!

* * *

 _Fan Episode 2:_

 _ **Autographs**_

You know what's BUUULLLLLLLSHIT?

Autographs. That says it all.

The civilised nature of modern people has the tendency to use them on many occassions. It's obviously present when we need to sign various kinds of documents. Well, it's the only way to confirm that you agree to many rules that present there, so... it's convenient. Without your own sign you can't make documents active. And that is serious bullshit. When you must get credit from the bank, you need to sign an agreement for that. If you want to sell one of your organs, you must sign a document for that, too.

And there is some kind of autographs which is undeniably stupid. I am talking about live concerts of the popular musical singers. Yeah, you name them: Britney Spears, Ellie Goulding, fucking Madonna, etc. Of course, there are so many goddamn fans on these concerts, and you'll get lucky if you actually get the celebrity's own autograph. And still, there remains a single question: what the Hell you will do with it? Just show it to your friends, like: "Hey, guys! I've been on some amazing concert, and I've got an autograph from the superstar itself!" "Yeah, dude, that's cool!" Well, it's not cool with me: If I could got a sign from superstar, I'd rather wipe my ass with it! That's it.

Did I need to mention that if you try to copy someone's sign, that's illegal? Other person can't falcify your autograph; you must get your balls straight and sign the document yourself. And the autographs of every human being on Earth are unique: you can't simply duplicate them perfectly.

Alright, I've made my point. The autographs are fucking nonsense. And that's bullshit.

* * *

 _Fan Episode 3:_

 _ **Dogs**_

You know what's BUUULLLLLLLSHIT? Dogs.

Believe it or not - but for me, they are the most annoying animals ever. They make a lot of noise with their constant barking, they can't stand still for too long, and they also piss and shit all over the place! Yep, that's true.

From the first domesticated pets in history, you shouldn't expect this AT ALL. And yet, they do whatever the Hell they want. When guests make visits to your home, they barking their asses off! And more dogs you have, the more problematic it is to shut them the fuck up! You gotta feed them at least once per day, too - and they are large enough to eat a lot of food. Take cats, for example: they eat much less food than dogs, and they are a lot calmer - not to mention, their quiet purrs and meows are a lot more manageable to withstand than loud woofs.

The dogs are hyper-active enough that even human beings can't keep up with them. Cats are a lot calmer in this regard. You can't even pet dogs without the risk of slipping your hands off them or get bitten 'cause they have a lot of fucking temper! Back to cats: they let you pet them without any of these problems, and purrs they make in the process are a lot more enjoyable. When dogs constantly bark in near centimeters off your ears, sometimes you wish to just kill them already 'cause you can't take it anymore!

Whoever keeps dogs at home are complete dipshits. If you have a family, and your dog - or DOGS, if you are so desperate enough - lives at the same place where family is, get ready to wash their constant piss and take their shit off. These pets are complete dicks: they disregard any sense of dog litters - they make their business known to everyone! Yep, back to the fucking cats again: you can easily train them to shit and piss right in the cat litter.

You still think the dogs are easy to pet? HELL. NO. You gotta take them on the sidewalk to wander around, if you live in the city. Not to mention, these fuckers will woof that you need to take them to another stroll - in the single day, no less! Kudos to the cats, yet again: they didn't need this overcomplicated process, they are fine to stay at home all day long. Well, at least in the countryside, dogs can be placed on chains so they can enjoy the fresh air on constant basis.

You have no idea how much anger the human must possess to make a simple dog completely obedient. No matter how, but sooner or later, the dogs do bite back.

What I can say? Just get rid of the fucking dog! Don't listen to anyone - you will save yourself from a lot of problems. If anyone questions you, tell them: the Bullshit Man says so!

The dogs are bullshit. End of story.

 ** _(After the credits)_**

What a piece of fucking dog shit!

* * *

 _Fan Episode 4:_

 ** _Girlfriends_**

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUUUULLSHIIIEEEET?

No offense to the beautiful part of humanity, but... if you are a guy and you have a girlfriend, expect to have a lot of problems.

That's how it happens: there is a guy, there is a girl, they meet each other, they befriend each other, they fall in love with each other, they finally decide to be together forever - and that's it. Sounds pretty simple, but... ooooh boy, does this can fuck up pretty quickly...

Let's begin with the basic stuff: dating. You can't be 100% sure that your potential girlfriend will immediately like you at the first sight; this is "the-understatement-of-the-fucking-century" kind of thing. Sometimes you gotta make more than one date: there are some girls that have some principles considering dating particular kind of men - and that's mean. What if you don't belong to this kind of men? Expect that moment when she'll unceremonously dump your sorry ass.

For these lucky guys who managed to pass through this nightmare, here comes the step two: Actual Friendship. Don't expect that you found a girl with awfully similar interests as yours - just ask her what she likes. As turns out, guys that befriend gals that like some hardcore stuff, or those who prefer some peaceful hobbys, - they can pretty much regret that. The chances that the interests and hobbys of the particular guy and a particular girl would be similar or even exactly the same - are impossible, to say the least. And by the way, there are some gals that can switch their preferences and behaviors on a whim, and that's more than fucking cruel - it's fucking bullshit!

There are also some issues with clashing psychologies. Lots of sayings have been made: rough boys can't live with passionate and kind girls, momma boys can't handle badass and sarcastic women, religious can't be happy with foul-mouthed, etc.

Don't you ever tell your girlfriend about sex, just fucking DON'T. Some women can't even bear to hear this term; let alone be ready for it! Girls will get offended even with the slightest provocation!

On the opposite side of things, there are some "beauties" that will be ready to hump you several times per day - PER DAY, for Christ's sakes! I can imagine how some guy questions himself: is it really nice to have sex every day, or this can be too much? Even for his domestic slut that he met several years ago that can't stop?

I don't want to offend any young women who might even watch this, but please! Be compassionate, be kind, be cool with the guys. It's absolutely normal to be together. We all love you so much; you are the most beautiful kind of people around the world. I wish I could have a girlfriend, but... I'm sorry, I can't.

 ** _(Cut to the Bullshit Man)_**

You already know why: **_(Bullshit Man points to his "face")_** because that's bullshit!

* * *

 _Fan Episode 5:_

 ** _Guns_**

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BULLLLLLSHIT? Guns.

Guns need no introduction. When you wanna shoot the fuck out of things, you gotta get yourself one. And there are different variants of guns out there: handguns, revolvers, shotguns, rifles, machine guns, etc. Every single American can buy guns nowadays - they became some sort of a national fetish. There are firearms collectors, competition shooters, hunters, policemen, secret agents, riot control units, and especially military forces - every single one of these categories of people has different kind of guns. Of course, firearms are widely renowned and have a lot of positive sides.

But they have a lot of bullshit too. First off, they have an unquestionable power to kill a human being, no matter the caliber: be it a simple pepperbox or large as fuck .50-cal machine gun. By the way, in the fourth Rambo movie there is a showcase of the tremendous power this weapon can unleash on the human body. The point is: NEVER point the loaded gun on anybody.

Whoever breaks safety rules are guaranteed to get themselves in a world of hurt. You have to properly hold the gun, keep tight grip on it while shooting, and never - NEVER - have a single cartridge in the chamber if this is not needed at the moment. You can't fuck up with the guns, or else YOU'LL be fucked up!

Knowing how to reload different guns is also important. There are lots of modern models that have simple box magazines that you can just change by pressing a button. The old-fashioned guns, such as bolt-action and lever-action rifles, have to be manually operated after each shot because this allows them to extract fired catridges and load new ones into the chamber. The cool-as-all-Hell pump-action shotguns have be to cycled by moving the fore-end back-and-forth. If you somehow got a badass machine gun, learn how to properly put the ammo belts in place: one single misfeed can lead to disastrous results.

The lazy assholes who don't clean their guns regularly will get the payback sooner or later: the guns will just fucking EXPLODE IN THEIR FACE. To prevent this, you gotta buckle the fuck down and learn how to maintain your guns. Different firearms can be disassembled, cleaned and reassembled in the matter of minutes. The fuck-ups in the reassembling phase can be fatal if you won't correct them before it's too late.

By the way, Airsoft and Nerf guns are awesome. Real guns are bullshit.

* * *

 _Fan Episode 6:_

 ** _Syringes_**

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUULLLLLSHIT?

 ** _(Bullshit Man holds a syringe in his hand)_**

This fucking thing. This little syringe right here is a thing that a lot of people dread.

Whenever people get sick, they have to get themselves back into shape, usually by taking pills. There are, hovever, some cases when even the pills can't help... so, people invented this fucking thing that might make a difference. What the Hell were they even thinking about when they came up with this?

On the positive side, syringes allow to deliver every possible medical mumbo-jumbo right into the contaminated blood for a lot faster curing process. You just get the needle right through the patient's skin, then push the piston until all of the liquid will be injected. But, there are a lot of people that can be scared shitless at the mere sight of the syringe. It's just a little fucking needle, why they overreact about it so much? Well, this is called "trypanophobia" - the fear of injections.

This fear of injections understandably spikes to unmeasurable levels when people bring up the term "euthanasia". Euthanasia is - simply put - an injection that kills the person. Yep, that's another "Bullshit Point" for the syringe. Euthanasia is technically the only way that can peacefully and unnervingly end the constant and relentless physical suffering that some people must live with under uncurable conditions. The doctor KILLS the patient, even if this happens at the latter's request. Also, euthanasia still counts as the death sentence in some countries, and that's seriously fucked up.

A lot of drugs can be injected through the syringes, as well. Nuff said.

 ** _(Cut to the Bullshit Man)_**

Who knew that a such simple thing as a syringe could be responsible for all this? You can inject every single bullshit you can imagine from this fucking thing - by the way, I DON'T recommend this.

This thing can go fuck itself! **_(Bullshit Man throws the syringe away)_** Because it's bullshit.


End file.
